these poems will be less than terrific, so i'll be taking them down after a day or so...
Café Mokka
Among the manicured, straight-pin
executives, I nurse a coffee near the window.
Inside it’s jazz
and plush red sofas; you’d think
the whole town was built with wool and lipstick.
At each table, noon dissolves
like sugar in the dark.
POOF
.
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7 comments:
I like this. The first line takes me right there. Could be the same cafe in cities all over the world.
Thanks
Nicely visualized, and with some memorable lines. If I were selling food of almost any sort, I'd steal the menus of the world phrase.
(I'm http://briarcat.wordpress.com)
sarah jane, don't be too self-conscious about having a strict standard of quality while participating in a challenge. :) the trick of the challenge is to pull stuff out of you -- and deal with the revisions later. which is kind of what i think you're saying. i encourage you to leave them up long enough for slow pokes like me to get around and read.
i love how this one begins -- setting the narrator apart from the straight-pins. we start to know a bit about her character right away. and noon dissolving like sugar? wow!!!
I really like this! You pack a lot of detail in just a few lines, and the sugar dissolving in the dark is just phenomenal.
I tend to work slower than the mini-challenges allow, and my drafts are thus less "drafty", if you will. But I'm still hesitant to leave them up very long, so I completely sympathize. But this is great work, and I'm glad I caught it!
Marie
(http://mariegauthier.wordpress.com)
thanks. i'm such a coward.
must try harder.... smile
I wouldn't take this down for some time. Wonderful stuff, so many great images and it is a marvelous draft.
I know some would call it finished where it is and leave it at that.
Mark
http://radio-nowhere.org/nb/
nice post, keep posting good ones
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