Wednesday, September 02, 2009

eavesdropping poem #1

these poems will be less than terrific, so i'll be taking them down after a day or so...

Café Mokka

Among the manicured, straight-pin
executives, I nurse a coffee near the window.

Inside it’s jazz
and plush red sofas; you’d think

the whole town was built with wool and lipstick.
At each table, noon dissolves
like sugar in the dark.



Nano Boye Nagle - Ziji Salaam said...

I like this. The first line takes me right there. Could be the same cafe in cities all over the world.

b_ said...

Nicely visualized, and with some memorable lines. If I were selling food of almost any sort, I'd steal the menus of the world phrase.


Carolee said...

sarah jane, don't be too self-conscious about having a strict standard of quality while participating in a challenge. :) the trick of the challenge is to pull stuff out of you -- and deal with the revisions later. which is kind of what i think you're saying. i encourage you to leave them up long enough for slow pokes like me to get around and read.

i love how this one begins -- setting the narrator apart from the straight-pins. we start to know a bit about her character right away. and noon dissolving like sugar? wow!!!

Marie said...

I really like this! You pack a lot of detail in just a few lines, and the sugar dissolving in the dark is just phenomenal.

I tend to work slower than the mini-challenges allow, and my drafts are thus less "drafty", if you will. But I'm still hesitant to leave them up very long, so I completely sympathize. But this is great work, and I'm glad I caught it!


SarahJane said...

thanks. i'm such a coward.
must try harder.... smile

Radio Nowhere said...

I wouldn't take this down for some time. Wonderful stuff, so many great images and it is a marvelous draft.

I know some would call it finished where it is and leave it at that.


Maharaja Hookah Shisha said...

nice post, keep posting good ones

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