Wednesday, September 02, 2009

eavesdropping poem #1

these poems will be less than terrific, so i'll be taking them down after a day or so...

Café Mokka

Among the manicured, straight-pin
executives, I nurse a coffee near the window.

Inside it’s jazz
and plush red sofas; you’d think

the whole town was built with wool and lipstick.
At each table, noon dissolves
like sugar in the dark.


POOF
.

7 comments:

Nano Boye Nagle - Ziji Salaam said...

I like this. The first line takes me right there. Could be the same cafe in cities all over the world.
Thanks

Unknown said...

Nicely visualized, and with some memorable lines. If I were selling food of almost any sort, I'd steal the menus of the world phrase.


(I'm http://briarcat.wordpress.com)

Carolee said...

sarah jane, don't be too self-conscious about having a strict standard of quality while participating in a challenge. :) the trick of the challenge is to pull stuff out of you -- and deal with the revisions later. which is kind of what i think you're saying. i encourage you to leave them up long enough for slow pokes like me to get around and read.

i love how this one begins -- setting the narrator apart from the straight-pins. we start to know a bit about her character right away. and noon dissolving like sugar? wow!!!

Marie said...

I really like this! You pack a lot of detail in just a few lines, and the sugar dissolving in the dark is just phenomenal.

I tend to work slower than the mini-challenges allow, and my drafts are thus less "drafty", if you will. But I'm still hesitant to leave them up very long, so I completely sympathize. But this is great work, and I'm glad I caught it!

Marie
(http://mariegauthier.wordpress.com)

SarahJane said...

thanks. i'm such a coward.
must try harder.... smile

Radio Nowhere said...

I wouldn't take this down for some time. Wonderful stuff, so many great images and it is a marvelous draft.

I know some would call it finished where it is and leave it at that.

Mark
http://radio-nowhere.org/nb/

Anonymous said...

nice post, keep posting good ones

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